Another sleepless night. My tears wont stop flowing. Just getting home from my new job and stressed about all the things that I need to accomplish. I keep setting goals and dragging my feet. There’s a knot in my throat and my chest hurts. More tears. Now I’m sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU…. Nothing feels right anymore. I don’t know how to be me without you. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to be truly happy. How can I be when you’re not here.
Every man I meet I try to turn him into you. I demand he match your ambition, I complain about the way he dresses, I want him to be romantic. I want him to be everything that I loved about you. I want him to be you. No you weren’t perfect but you knew me. No matter what we went through, you always knew that you had my heart. I never thought about life without you. Why would I?
I don’t know how to move forward. I know the best thing would be to let you go, but I can’t. I wont. I feel you all around me. I see you in everything. Your friends….remind me of you. I no longer go to watch basketball games because I started to see and hear you all around me. I date men that I know wont last because I don’t want to replace you. My heart….is so broken.
Time does not heal all wounds. I’m always hurting. Some days are better than others. But nights like this are all too common. I don’t tell anyone how I really feel. I simply say I’m ok. No one can possibly understand what it feels like to be me. I’m strong. But in so much pain because you left. You’re gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye. And that’s why I can’t let you go. I’m just not ready.